Dear Diary 23/October/1993

Well, I guess this is story time for you so let’s get started.

 

My first encounter with him activated the tears which were shut away to break free.

The red wine he gave me drowned all my pain into existence.

My senses were awakened, I felt …….. vulnerable.

A moment I was looking to enjoy, became a war zone for my sanity

I was obsessed with keeping my composure that the unwillingness to break free haunted me

The formation for control slipped through the cracks of my reality

He saw the bewildered look on my face.

I waited 19 years for this acquaintance, and in 5 steps I was compromised.

It seems our expectation of this moment bled different stripes.

The urgency to be in his company was satisfied when my eyes locked sight of Him.

Emancipated by his touch, he became a Kryptonite.

I felt the illusive haven of ‘Temperance’, I thought I could control this but I lost it.

Before we could both summon the courage to use our words, our feet glided towards each other.

I contemplated on my short-term experience,  the previous anger and existing rage, the resentment I’d feel afterwards, and I stopped.

I wish I could say the same for him, but I guess his mission was to ‘have me’.

The atmosphere leaked the aroma of fear into me, I gulped.

I  was longing for the touch and embrace of love, yet he rejected my plea and spoke his lust into me.

He held me in his arms,

A mirage of comfort.

It was the only thing I knew so I liked it.

An excuse or escape.

My choice drowned the painting would later regret.

My eyes soaking up his sophisticated scent, they drew shut.

For a moment my heart stopped, my ears suffocated in the stillness

I felt nothing.

It was morning, and the sound of gushing rain woke me up.

I didn’t want to get up.

I was in bed and it presented a different kind of comfort,

This kind didn’t hurt so much.

I picked up my phone and upon tapping it into life there it was

—- ‘A man’s heart plans his way, but the Lord directs his steps.’ Proverbs 16:9 NIV—-

It was haunting me,

What was left of my conscience became judge, jury and executioner?

I was wrong, I was vulnerable but where was God?

I felt angry.

I made myself a promise and broken it.

Last night shouldn’t have happened.

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